Aliens have not visited Earth.

To my knowledge, I have not been abducted by aliens, although if I had, that might explain a few things. For example, maybe one of their alien probes caused my Ulcerative Colitis. I have seen many UFO’s, but I quickly realised those unidentified flying objects were hot air balloons or shooting stars, and not alien space ships. Not that I ever thought they were. Unlike one of my workmates at the time, I also never thought the first episode of the X-files was a documentary.

I read and watch a lot of science fiction, so you would think that I would be more open to the possibility that aliens have visited Earth. To the contrary, I have always been totally sceptical. Aliens have not even entered my dreams.

My primary reason for believing aliens have not visited is that any intelligent space faring race would live too far away to travel here. Tau Ceti e, the nearest possibly habitable planet that astronomers think they have discovered outside our solar system, is 11.9 light years away. And habitable does not mean there are intelligent aliens living there. If there are, they are very quiet as we have not picked up any radio signals from them.

But say there are intelligent aliens on Tau Ceti e who have some sort of mass communications system that we can’t detect. Those aliens would have to travel at the speed of light for 11.9 years to get here. To accelerate a space ship to the speed of light would, according to Einstein’s theory of special relativity, require an infinite amount of energy. Unless the aliens have invented infinity fuel to power an infinity energy generator, they probably would take a lot longer than 11.9 years to get here, centuries perhaps.

But say the Tau Cetians are really longed lived, very curious, and like playing card games, then they might decide to take a few centuries to travel to earth. What would they do when they arrived? According to popular culture, the first thing they would would do is land in a corn field in the US (where else?). When they land they might spot a few cows. Attempts to decipher the cows’ moos might frustrate the aliens so much that they decide to teach the cows a lesson by dissecting them.

The alien’s comm systems would pick up our television and radio broadcasts. These broadcasts might trick them into believing that the most likely place to find other aliens would be Los Angeles as it has been attacked a number of times by aliens. So the Cetians decide to travel there. On the way they buzz a few planes.

When they arrive in Los Angles, they stop at the Hollywood sign to take a few souvenir snaps and come across a suicidal wannabe science fiction author. He looks so unhappy they decide he wouldn’t mind a rest on their ship while they probe his bum and put a chip in his neck.

Finding nothing but shit inside the science fiction writer, the Cetians turn to the main purpose of their visit: making contact with the cabal that controls earth. They know there is such a cabal because they have watched a Youtube video of Canadian Defense Minister Paul Hellyer testifying before a committee that aliens lead a cabal that controls the earth. The cabal contains four different alien races and the leaders of a persecuted religious minority, as well as wealthy bankers, OPEC oil producers, various intelligence agencies, members of the stone cutters, and many fast food restaurants.

But try as they might, the aliens can’t find the cabal. So they abduct Paul Hellyer and find out that he never actually saw an alien, he just talked to other people who knew someone who say they saw an alien. Hellyer can’t tell them how these other alien’s managed to breathe the noxious Earth atmosphere or what they ate or drank. Hellyer then confesses that he is not the current Canadian defense minister, he held that position back in the 60’s, after which he had a very chequered political career. The aliens decide he is a very dubious source and most of what is on Youtube and the web is bullshit.

They Cetians also find it curious that no mention of alien visitations is made on Wikileaks, so they head to London and abduct Julian Assange. He tells them Private Manning never found any intelligence about aliens. So the Cetians are probably the first aliens to visit Earth. The aliens agree as they have not heard from or seen any other aliens, besides humans, in their travels. Thankful for Assange’s truthfulness, the aliens offer him asylum on Tau Ceti e, but he tells them he would die before they got there. So they aliens take him to Ecuador and then continue their search for intelligent life.

I mention Wikileaks because they have to be part of the global conspiracy to keep alien visitations secret as there have been no Wikileaks released about alien visitations.

And those guys who came forward a few decades ago and admitted to making the first crop circles must have been paid off by the alien lead cabal.

I wonder how many of the over million people who have watched the video of ex- defense minister Paul Hellyer telling the world that four different alien races have visited Earth, did any research into his background. How many thought, like me, that Hellyer was just repeating what he has been told by other people who unless proven otherwise, are dubious sources. Hellyer’s entire testimony was just hearsay.

I remember watching a documentary that questioned a lot of UFO mythology. In that documentary they mentioned the science fiction show the Outer Limits. In an episode that aired in the sixties, the Outer Limits showed an alien that has now become the classic form of aliens that people claim they have seen, a Grey. Immediately after that episode reports of alien sitings sky-rocketed. I wonder if Paul Hellyer saw that episode.

Ian, who I had a lengthy debate about aliens with on LinkedIn, probably would not bother to research Hellyer. After all, his main evidence for alien visitations was a book he read that had been endorsed by Tom Clancy. For Ian, Tom Clancy’s endorsement meant the book had to be fair-dinkum.

The fact that I don’t believe aliens have ever visited Earth, won’t stop me including them in the science fiction I write. In fact the novel I am writing at the moment is full of aliens. But none of them are into anal probing or crop circles.